In the valley

I battled with myself whether to write about this or not.  I thought I shouldn't write because everyone and anyone could read it.  Then I thought I SHOULD write BECAUSE everyone and anyone could read it.  One of my soapboxes is that I believe the Body of Christ ought to act like it - serve, encourage, mentor, and pray for each other.  So, in that belief, I share in case it will encourage someone and to bring glory to God.

Not many of you knew except family, but I was just over 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried last weekend.  Some of you may not grasp that, but many of you understand the turmoil and grief.  It was almost exactly 3 years ago that my sister miscarried.  I was the first person she saw when she returned from the doctor where she learned there was no heartbeat.  I cannot even explain the intense expression of painful grief on her face.  I had never seen it before on anyone and it touched deep in my soul.  I spent many weeks processing suffering and grief.  I feel that God was preparing me even back then for what He had in store for me.

Did you know that miscarriages happen to one in every four pregnancies?  Take a look around you at church, in the grocery store, at the theater and think about how many women around you have been through this grief!  It is much more common than you think - but it does not make it any less painful.  What it does mean is that there are plenty of women to cry with or obtain advice from.  After my sister had her miscarriage, people came out of the woodwork with their stories.  We had NO idea!  It was such a blessing, then and now, to have the Body of Christ around us like a family!

Now, a big question is "Why did this happen?"  I must admit, I do not doubt God nor am I angry at Him.  I do know that He has at least one purpose which is to make me more like Christ.  This is found in Romans 8:28-29.  "We KNOW God causes ALL things to work together for good...to those who are called according to his purpose...to become conformed to the image of His Son."  There could be many other purposes for this incident but this is the main one.  God is sovereign, He is in control of all things!  If He took care of my greatest problem (sin and eternal death) through salvation, He will surely work in the small things!

Does knowing this mean I shouldn't grieve?  No.  God gave us emotions, which includes love and compassion (which are actually commanded), even for an unborn child.  I am sad, I miss what could have been.  I hated the process of miscarrying.  I started spotting, then cramping.  We cried out to God to spare our child but deep down I knew He was choosing not to.  I did not want to sleep that night while my child was dying (although I knew in my head it had probably died several days earlier).  The waiting was the worst.  Once I saw the baby, I knew and had closure.  The grief still pops up unexpectedly and I imagine it still will for many years to come.  That is okay as long as I do not get angry at God.  Who am I to demand life when all I deserve is death?  God has shown Himself so merciful, good and bountiful all throughout my life!  How could I doubt Him now?

I want to share some of the things that have been helpful to me in this process.  The biggest is God himself.  Like I said before, He is a good Father.  He has been loving and caring, but that does not mean He spares us grief.  It is through pain and suffering that we realize more how good He is and how much we need Him!  His Word actually promises suffering in the world but with the hope that Christ conquers all!  Secondly, a wonderful husband who tries to patiently and lovingly fully understand.  I am so glad God blessed me with him!!!  Of course, then there are wonderful family and friends who have gone through miscarriages and have wrapped their arms and hearts around me!  In regards to resources, my absolute favorite book is "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges!  It has had a profound impact on my life and I seem to skim it about once a year.  I just received "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God" by John Piper and various.  Although I have only started the book, I can already tell it will help a lot!  (I know it did with Aimee after her miscarriage.)  Lastly, I have greatly appreciated the sermon series by CJ Mahaney called "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God" (no relation to the aforementioned book).  In that sermon he references a lot DA Carson's book "How Long, O Lord?" which I have not read but intend to someday.

I feel that there is so much more I could write - particularly on trusting God, His mercy and love!  I want to thank you all for your support and encouragement, but mostly your prayers!  I do not deserve all the kindness that is shown to me but I am so grateful for it!  Please join me with Job (1:21) in saying - "The Lord gave and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!"

Lastly, I want to close with one of my favorite hymns, which we also sung for the baby's burial ceremony.  "It is well with my soul" was written by Horatio Spafford after his 4 daughters died when their ship sank.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.